Those Words from My Dad Which Saved Us when I became a New Parent

"In my view I was just just surviving for twelve months."

Former Made In Chelsea star Ryan Libbey expected to manage the challenges of becoming a dad.

But the truth rapidly became "utterly different" to his expectations.

Severe health issues during the birth resulted in his partner Louise hospitalised. Abruptly he was thrust into becoming her primary caregiver in addition to caring for their infant son Leo.

"I was doing each nighttime feed, each diaper… every stroll. The job of both parents," Ryan explained.

After nearly a year he became exhausted. It was a conversation with his parent, on a bench in the park, that led him to understand he couldn't do it alone.

The direct phrases "You are not in a good spot. You need some help. What can I do to assist you?" created an opening for Ryan to express himself truthfully, seek support and start recovering.

His situation is far from unique, but infrequently talked about. Although people is now better used to discussing the strain on mothers and about PND, not enough is spoken about the challenges new fathers face.

'It's not weak to request support'

Ryan thinks his struggles are linked to a broader reluctance to open up among men, who still internalise harmful notions of what it means to be a man.

Men, he says, frequently believe they must be "the rock that just gets hit and remains standing time and again."

"It isn't a show of weakness to seek help. I was too slow to do that fast enough," he clarifies.

Clinical psychologist Dr Jill Domoney, a researcher who studies mental health surrounding childbirth, explains men often don't want to admit they're finding things difficult.

They can feel they are "not a legitimate person to be requesting help" - especially in front of a mum and baby - but she highlights their mental health is equally important to the family.

Ryan's chat with his dad provided him with the chance to request a pause - going on a few days abroad, outside of the family home, to gain perspective.

He came to see he needed to make a change to focus on his and his partner's feelings as well as the day-to-day duties of caring for a infant.

When he opened up to Louise, he realised he'd overlooked "what she was yearning" -holding her hand and listening to her.

Self-parenting

That insight has changed how Ryan views being a dad.

He's now penning Leo letters each week about his journey as a dad, which he aspires his son will see as he grows up.

Ryan hopes these will assist his son to better grasp the language of emotion and interpret his parenting choices.

The notion of "parenting yourself" is something musician Professor Green - also known as Stephen Manderson - has also strongly identified with since having his son Slimane, who is now four years old.

During his childhood Stephen did not have reliable male a father figure. Even with having an "wonderful" relationship with his dad, deep-held trauma resulted in his father struggled to cope and was "in and out" of his life, affecting their bond.

Stephen says suppressing emotions resulted in him make "poor actions" when younger to modify how he was feeling, finding solace in drink and drugs as a way out from the pain.

"You find your way to substances that don't help," he explains. "They may briefly alter how you feel, but they will in the end make things worse."

Tips for Getting By as a New Father

• Share with someone - if you feel swamped, speak to a trusted person, your partner or a professional how you're feeling. Doing so may to reduce the stress and make you feel more supported.
• Keep up your interests - make time for the things that helped you to feel like the person you were before becoming a parent. It could be exercising, socialising or playing video games.
• Look after the physical stuff - nutritious food, physical activity and where possible, sleep, all play a role in how your mind is coping.
• Meet other new dads - listening to their experiences, the challenges, along with the positive moments, can help to validate how you're experiencing things.
• Remember that requesting help does not mean you've failed - taking care of yourself is the optimal method you can support your household.

When his father later died by suicide, Stephen naturally had difficulty processing the death, having had no contact with him for a long time.

In his current role as a parent, Stephen's resolved not to "continue the chain" with his child and instead give the safety and emotional support he did not receive.

When his son threatens to have a outburst, for example, they practise "shaking the feelings out" together - expressing the frustrations in a healthy way.

The two men Ryan and Stephen state they have become more balanced, healthier men because they confronted their issues, changed how they express themselves, and taught themselves to manage themselves for their children.

"I'm better… sitting with things and managing things," states Stephen.

"I wrote that in a letter to Leo recently," Ryan shares. "I expressed, sometimes I feel like my purpose is to guide and direct you what to do, but the truth is, it's a dialogue. I am discovering as much as you are on this path."